684 days

I haven't posted on this blog in 684 days.

I wish I could come to you with great big huge news and changes, but I can't.  Because honestly in 684 days, not much has changed.

I have the same job, I'm still happily married, my kids are great and healthy (and taller since the last time I wrote).

Charlotte is six, and Henry is four. 

Charlotte started first grade this year, she's fabulous and kind and smart and shy.  She's our glue, holds us together as a family. She is not afraid of being exactly who she is, and she won't apologize for it.

Henry is all boy. He is tough and too-smart-for-his-own-good. He knows exactly how to get out of trouble and exactly how to get into a lot of trouble.  He pushes our buttons and then apologizes for it.

Mike works tirelessly for our family.  I'm still working my 9-5 and trying somehow, someway to finish my Bachelor's degree. 

So, that is 684 days worth of blog updates. 

We are boring and tired and just trying to survive day to day.

-The Dee's

Routines so far

These are two of the different workout routines I talked about in the last few days.  I've found that pinterest has been amazing for finding a lot of different workout routines and ideas on staying healthy. 

Last night I worked out at home. I did half of a Popsugar Fitness dance workout from youtube but couldn't finish it. It was intense. I have a problem with floor work/yoga stuff, I think because I have such terrible core strength and doing floor work on wood is the worst. After about 15 min of the dance workout I did 10 minutes of abs and called it a day. I feel like I skirted by a little. I'm taking today off, but am planning a hike for Sunday. 

The short and the long of it

I'm liking this working out thing. I think because I don't have to go in the car and drive to the gym even though I live less than 10 min away from it. I pack my workout pants, and because I work in a super casual environment I just wear my sneakers and tee shirt to work.  At 3:30 when I clock out for the day I walk up two flights of stairs (warm up!) and enter the gym in my building. Easy as that.
I've been spending about an hour in the gym,  for the last two days at least and I'm going again today. Yesterday I did half hour on the elliptical, non stop, with an all over workout. It's a cool program. It'll be a normal forward stride,  then a reverse stride,  and every couple of minutes the program has you hop on the side and do only the arms of the machine, pumping them back and forth as fast as possible. I like the different techniques, I get bored easily. I also did a pretty good upper body/arm workout that included 3 reps of 10 each: dead lift to high pulls, curl to lunge press (guhhh lunges), tricep extensions and chest press and fly. I'm moderately sore today, especially in the arms and shoulders, but I used really low weights for the upper body stuff (2.5-7.5 lbs) so I'm not expecting to be super sore yet.

My goals are as follows: 100 pound total weight loss. I'm giving myself more than a year for this, I'd like to be at this goal by  January 1 2016. That's the long term goal. And would put me down to about 160 lbs, yeah you can do the math. I'm 5'8" so that puts me in a healthy zone for my height.  I'd also just like to shop in the non plus size section. More on the at a later date. Oh and I want to wear a bathing suit next summer,  not a two piece, not a two piece ever again ohhellnosaysmystretchmarks, but I just want to feel comfortable in a normal bathing suit. Not the maternity bathing suit I've been wearing for the last four years. Yeah. 
As far as short term goals go they're pretty simple. Cut out soda, stop smoking, get down to a healthier weight where I can run and not want to die. Soda is going to be the death of me, but in the last 2 days I've only had 1 diet Dr pepper which is crazy because I usually have like 6 a day.

I'm going to keep documenting my fight here on the blog and hopefully some of you can follow along.

Working on my fitness (again)

You guys, I'm working out, again. I'm in terrible shape.  As heavy as I've ever been. I feel gross and breathless and just fat. I refuse to go up another size on my jeans,  the current pair I own (yes, one pair) are getting tight. My favorite red pants that were a little tight to start with are now totally useless. RIP adorable red ankle skinnies, we will meet again someday.

I'm a lucky person and I'll tell you why. 1. I work 8 minutes from my home.
2. I get off everyday at 3:30
3. There is a gym in my building.
All of these factors make it nearly impossible for me to say no to working out. Those, and one of my coworkers is exceptionally persistent so it's even harder saying no to her.

I started back up again yesterday.  I did about 35 min on the elliptical and then some standing abs with dumbells and the arm machine as well that works out the triceps and biceps. I'm not too sore today,  which is a good start and makes me want to work out again today which I will be doing after work. I'm following a modified 12 week program program.  It calls for 6 days a week but I'm not likely to make it more than 4 days, even that is pushing it for me. Yesterday was supposed to be all cardio but I'm on a mission for Michelle Obama arms and flat stomach, so I will be adding those things in to every workout. Today is an upper body workout, and I will be doing so after my 30 min of cardio on the elliptical or treadmill. The rest of the week, in case you're interested calls for cardio, total body, and cardio again. I think I'll go for a hike on Saturday or Sunday.

I'll try to keep up blogging with working out and eating right and I'll let you all know how it goes from here on out.

Finding Grace: a spiritual journey in many parts

I've always felt like finding Jesus was like hide and seek, a really intricate game of it. In times of need I never felt reassured by the thought of God protecting me but I always felt assured through prayer. In silent times when I wasn't seeking God I felt something, I think. In small doses somehow I felt, I don't know, protected? Like I had something to fall back on, like I was using religion as a backup plan just in case.
Growing up somewhat heavily Catholic has little to do with what I seek out now, which is answers. Not to my prayers, but to believe there is something bigger out there than myself.  I believe modern culture has had a lot to do with my belief. The cool kids aren't religious and neither am I!  The movie stars and celebs and bloggers I like don't believe in God, I don't either and that was that. But I could never bring myself to say I wasn't a believer, even though I heavily rolled my eyes at the Christian do-gooders. The "Christ-like" acting very much the opposite. Especially the religious zealots screaming about abortion and gay marriage and the list freaking goes on and on.
So how,  in today's very scarily modern world does one express courage to dig deeper into the understanding of Christ? How does a 28 year old smoking, drinking, cursing, gay loving and pro choice female seek the answers to her questions, and what if I find the answers I seek are not what I want? I refuse to abandon my beliefs on any of the above I listed, but I also refuse to give up on seeking a deep spirituality,  one I can grow upon and use to make my life even better than it is.
This is step 1 of this journey to find my truth.

A love letter...

Like most truly lucky people in life, I was blessed with some amazing best friends. Friends that stick around no matter what happens. Friends through long absences, ridiculous high school fights that somehow last years, through breakups and make ups, babies and marriages.

In high school I was sort of the chameleon. I hung out with the stoners (I was one of them), the preppy kids (one of them too, as hard as I tried to deny it), the cheerleaders (not one of them), the skate crowd and everyone in between. I made myself available for long term relationships in high school, after countless hours of my parents going on and on about their high school friendships that lasted a long time. My fatal mistake though was thinking back then all I needed to get through those four seemingly endless years was a boyfriend. So I had lots of them, was always with one, and when I wasn't I was devastated, drawn away from people and life and everything happening around me. I didn't learn from those mistakes of course but I did eventually learn how to lessen the blow.

During sophomore year enrollment I learned I had an extra elective to use up so I decided to enroll in dance. It was a stretch for me, the last time I wore ballet slippers I was five years old and doing somersaults in a poodle costume on stage. But in that dance class and the years that preceded it I met the two people who have such a profound effect on my life, and have changed the way I see relationships forever...

In 2003 and 2004 there wasn't a day gone by without Brittanni and Stacey and Stef. It was all summers in the car blasting music, long shifts at the local (and now defunct) pizzeria we all worked at together, older boys and booze and breakups. House parties on Friday nights after football games, breaking curfew and breaking some hearts along the way. I may look back at those two years as some of the best of my life. I felt like myself, like I didn't have to play the unenthusiastic stoner or the overly enthusiastic preppy chick (I wore a lot of hats). I could just be me and be loud and crazy and not worry about being judged. I realize now what a weight off my shoulders that was.

Now 10 years later its not that different, besides a few kids and a few marriage licenses thrown in the mix its still the three of us. Just less often, but just as ridiculous as it used to be. Friendship that can go weeks without a peep from any one of us but pick up like we talked yesterday. It's amazing how I don't realize how much I miss them until they call and it makes me pine for a night of normalcy and drinks and going out without throw up on my shirt.

So this is for you girls as a reminder of where we've been, where we are now and where we'll be going. Together.

May our friendship never drown in our absences, but may they flourish amidst them.

Almost 7 months.

Can you believe it?

More blogging to come again soon...

Whew, we made it.

Henry turned 3 months a few weeks ago and I was all "durrrrrr" because that's the only cognitive thought that can come out of my mouth these days.

I think I've confessed on here before about not loving having tiny babies. Newborns. Sure they're snuggly and quiet but I didn't love it with Charlotte and really really didn't love it with Henry because of his colic issue. I like sleep (SHOCKER!) and newborns don't sleep. Also, when you are post c-section, and nursing forever and hormonal as shit it's just a time I look back to and go "oh wow, that was the most fun time of my whole life". No. It's more like, "I've got this new baby in my life and he wants to be breastfed non stop for hours at a time and then when he's done he shits himself all over the place and then cries and then the only thing to keep him from crying is nursing again." Yikes. That's real life y'all. Use protection.

I like when the kids get older. Stretch out their schedules, take their time, look around and don't need to held all day. Independence is what I like to give my kids, for them to learn and grow at their own pace and level and that even starts as a baby.

The three month mark came and it was like "WHEW WE MADE IT MIKE". Gone is the newborn baby, and here is this tubby chunky money who can hold his head up and grab his toes and coos and smiles and laughs. That is what I like.