Ever since I was a kid I knew that I wanted to have kids. Lots and lots of kids because I have a REALLY huge family. Both sides actually keep expanding more and more over the years and I love it. I love the togetherness, I love how everyone knows everyone else's business but what I love more is that we all totally get along. There are over 40 people on my dads side of the family and there has never been a terrible argument at the Christmas dinner table or anything. Same exact thing on my moms side of the family, although there is quite a bit of making fun of people... RAD!
Anyway, when I found out I was pregnant on November 28th, I cried. And I called my girlfriends and cried. And to this day, almost a month later, I don't know if I was crying because I was:
A. Super happy
B. Super sad
C. Freaked out
D. All of the above
Now when I say sad, not like "OH MY GOD THIS SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED" sad, more like, holy shit I just got married like TWO WEEKS AGO and would've enjoyed a smidge more time to be a newlywed.
This is where the weirdness comes in, because I'm pretty sure that gene, the one where the second you find out your knocked up you are a big glowy happy mess, yeah I don't have that. I'm happy for sure, but JESUS CHRIST I am freaked the F out. I mean really, there is a little tiny thing growing inside of me right now, that might just stop growing if it feels the need, and God willing it keeps on going. This thing develops depending on what I do/do not do to my body, or what I eat. I'm scared shitless. And yes, I have SO many people to talk to, my sister in law Cassie and another co worker is about a week further along that I am now so I can talk to them too but I feel alone. Because this is happening to me. Even Mike doesn't really know how to handle things, like things are the same, but they're not. I'm the same person, but I'm not. More fragile maybe?
I was hell bent on waiting a few more years, ask anyone when I was in the beginning stages of "Well, I might be pregnant" a few days before my positive tests and they'll tell you. I'm not sure I was ready to stop having a beer every so often, or smoking, or for my life to change this much.
Maybe I'm in denial, like real denial, but maybe this is also a normal reaction, to feel unattached to the thing? Maybe I'll be more attached when I start showing, or when I get out of this very super scary first trimester, but I'm not going to bullshit my way out of this.
This is scary, really scary. I don't know what I'm getting myself into here, other than a huge reality check sometime around August 7th.
Somedays I can't get enough baby stuff, I read and blog and go on websites and talk about it and stuff but (is this totally terrible?) I'm not totally feeling attached to this baby yet. I mean I keep referring it to a "thing". The words baby, well they just don't roll off the tongue for me yet.
Anyway reader, I promise not to talk about baby stuff all the time, but I will promise to keep you updated with doc appointments, milestones, and photos once I start to show a smidge.
As of today I am 7W, 4D. Looking forward to the 8 week mark on Saturday!
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