On loss

Yesterday I lost a friend.  I can't lead one to believe we were the closest of friends but we shared memories, laughed together, spent summer vacations together.  We were family friends.  Her mom and my mom the best of friends since High School.

My mom informed me last Sunday that PJ (our family friend) had been involved in a car accident. Hit a wall, rushed to emergency surgery and that is all she knew.  Days of waiting.  Two days later, on Tuesday my mom called again in more information. She had hit a three foot retaining wall, severed the vein that runs behind her heart, was taken into a 5 hour emergency surgery, suffered a heart attack and went without oxygen to her brain for somewhere around 15 minutes. She was in a coma, and was likely never coming out of it.  A few hours later another phone call from my mother. A tragic, hopeless tone in her voice between the heavy sobs: "She had an EEG, and there is zero brain function".  I felt like I couldn't breathe. I never expected this. I imagined her to have a long road of recovery ahead of her and then she would be fine. Maybe some broken bones that needed to heal, maybe some physical therapy ahead of her.

My mom immediately flew to Colorado, where the accident occurred and where her friend has lived for years. Days of waiting. Days of panic and heart ache and questions.  On Thursday my mom called to tell me that PJ was an organ donor and her wishes would be granted. An organ donation team arrived at the hospital to talk to the family. I guess you could see this as a light at the end of a very long tunnel, but I didn't realize the finality of the situation. I didn't think it would be over, and to this second I still can't believe it.

I subtle text from my mom yesterday morning: she passed this morning at 10:09. I knew it was coming, I had time to prepare for it. After days of waiting maybe some relief that it was over and she wasn't in pain any longer (and maybe that is a terrible thing to say, I don't know).

I've had friends who have died, grandparents and loved ones but nothing has hurt as bad as this, but at the same time my feelings are so conflicted. For some reason I feel embarrassed of my feelings, because of what the family must be going through and I feel bad for feeling so bad. Maybe it's because I don't get that my feelings are OK.

Maybe its because life changes when you have a family of your own.