Anxiety and Pregnancy

I'm not a doctor, but I am a sufferer of panic attacks, and at times very severe anxiety. I like to label myself with "good days" and "bad days". Good days are the days I wake up happy and I get through work and through the evening without a quick heartbeat, a shortness of breath, nothing.

Then there are those looming bad days. Days when the first thing I do in the morning is try to catch my breath. Days when I'm in the shower and through the hard streams of water I can feel my heart thumping and thumping and pumping blood throughout my body so quickly that I might lose it, and when I might lose it I might not ever make it out.

Maybe my super fear of death doesn't help my panic attacks. Or the fact that I'm a certifiable
hypochondriac. Every little thing that happens, every little twinge or pinch or tingle I freak. I make a BIG God-damned deal out of it. Sometimes I'm short of breath all day because of my anxiety/hypochondria combo. Sometimes I make up pain because SOMETHING HAS TO BE WRONG WITH ME.

Honestly, when I first started having panic attacks I felt crappy all the time, but then one day I woke up and had an AWESOME day, no symptoms, no random crazy heartbeat, nothing. And I had a panic attack that day. I made it up. I made up my lack of symptoms. I chalked it up to being "too healthy" that day and that "something needed to be wrong with me" because for sooooo long something WAS wrong with me. What was this normal feeling?
I had my first full force panic attack at the age of 22. It was June 6th 2008. I was in the hospital because I was sure that a cyst on my ovary exploded. It didn't. But something sure did hurt.

Anyway, while I was going through my discharge stuff, the nurse had to do my heart rate and it was higher that it was when I got admitted into the hospital...this brought on my first full fledged panic attack. At a hospital no less. My mom was with me and I laid down on the bed, stared at my feet, breathed innnnn and outttttt s l o w l y and in ten minutes it was over, but the damage was done. That was 19 months ago. Since then I've dealt everyday with something. Some twinge here, a little weird headache thing there. I even made up my arm going numb while I was driving into Mexico in October (wow, I sound pathetic) for real.

I have noticed that my anxiety has been a little higher than usual for the last month. I'm sure it probably doesn't help that I'm tired ALL THE TIME and when I'm tired I'm grumpy, and when I'm grumpy all I want to do is go to sleep. Around the times when I should have gotten my period (Dec. 2nd and Jan. 2nd) I've noticed that it's a lot worse too. Whenever I was about to start my periods my anxiety (along with everything else) was heightened. I think my body is still trying to tell itself that Auntie Flo isn't going to be coming around for a while yet. It's confused.

I really have more anticipatory type anxiety lately. I worry that I won't be able tot sleep when I start getting big in the belly, or that I will lay the wrong way or the baby will be HUGE and it would be hard for me to breath. I know, its really weird stuff but for right now, I worry more about me than Deetus. But maybe that is OK. I count sometimes too. But its cool. Deetus and I are tight, and I like him/her already because he/she isn't making me sick or feel goofy or anything.

So enough about me, lets talk baby: I'm not showing yet (duh, I'm only 9.5 weeks). I have my 2nd prenatal appt on Friday morning and I'm SO hoping they will do another ultrasound because my mom is coming to the appointment. I want her to meet her grand-Deet. My clothes all still fit, although I did give in and buy some khaki work pants a really cute top.