I saw New Moon, and Edward is a wuss

I know I'm like two months late to the game here, but I (and my very very sweet husband) went to see New Moon. I have some thoughts on it and I should have done this WAY earlier because I've forgotten some of them.

1. Edward is a pussy. Teenage girls of the world please do not email me death threats (and that means you too Cassie). I'm not saying that he isn't totally adorable, and yes he makes my heart pick up the pace just a little bit, but c'mon. He is a giant pussy. Yo, I read the books and I am still team Edward, but he needs to work on being more a MAN. Someone who defends his woman more and MAKES EYE CONTACT FOR GOD'S SAKE.

That brings me to number two

2. DOES ANYONE, ANYONE AT ALL MAKE EYE CONTACT IN THE MOVIE?

Example 1:

Nope

Example 2:

Nope, again

3. Jacob Black. Jacob-mother-effen-Black. OK. Lets just say that the long hair freaks me out. It's gross. It made me want to vom in the movie theater. Also, every time he took off his shirt I gasped. I'm not kidding. Mike probably wanted to kill me, but holy geez I'm on the "I want to lick his washboard abs" bandwagon. Do him and Bella belong together? Probably. Would that be good for the story? HELL NO. If Jacob "super sexy werewolf" and Bella ended up together then this whole Twilight Saga would probably not be as big as it is.

Hello abs

4. I know its a film adaptation of a book, and they are NEVER as good as the actual book but I felt like this movie was missing SO MUCH stuff. It was like all of a sudden BOOM! Bella is in Italy. And then BOOM! she is back at home in her bed. And BOOM! that guy (Harry?) has a heart attack and dies. And BOOM! Jacob is ALL OF A SUDDEN a werewolf. Maybe all of this stuff isn't exactly needed in the movie because so many people going to see it read the book but come on. COME ON!!!

5. The whole Voltura scene? Was it good? NO! Was it bad? No. But if I had gone into that movie totally unaware of the whole Twilight series and hadn't have read the books I would have no idea what the hell is going on. Alice didn't explain shit. But I did like when Bellea jumped on Edward and gave him a good smootch. It was kinda hot. Oh, also hot was his happy trail.

I can honestly say that I am excited about the next one. Yes, because there will be a wedding (hopefully) and they will kill Victoria who is being played by Bryce Dallas Howard whom I adore. Plus she has a very cute name. I feel like the Volutri were portrayed very well and little Dakota Fanning who plays Jane is a major bitch, which is think is quite accurate. Here is the skinny for real. I liked it. I really did. It's been about 6 months since I've read the book and I feel like I was fully satisfied with my $9.00 purchase to see this movie.

The end.